From the desktop of McAvoy O’Hara, Esq.
Reporter-at-large for “Fabulous Leggings” and “Porkchop Digest” magazines.

Though little is known of Mark Takiguchi’s early years, there is strong evidence that he was not so much born as discovered: tangled in the right field ivy at Wrigley Field on a late March afternoon in 1963 by a groundskeeper tilling the warning track in preparation for another wistful Cubs season. Though he grew up in the shadows of Wrigley worshipping the likes of Ernie Banks, Ferguson Jenkins, and Ron Santo, Takiguchi’s first loves really were basketball, The Three Stooges, comic books, Monty Python, and pop music. In 1981, it was widely reported by the scurrilous British dailies that various members of The Clash spat thick viscous lugies on Takiguchi in a small club. All indications are he enjoyed the experience greatly.

Few people remember now that he would sit at courtside during the earliest stages of Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls career and advise the rising star on the aesthetics of the slam-dunk, famously telling Jordan to “deconstruct” his approach to the basket as if he were “splintering the plane of existence with a diamond-heeled hammer.” Jordan stopped returning Takiguchi’s calls at this point, simply telling the press that “we had a philosophical spilt. I liked The Monkees, he liked The Beatles. His advice left [me] empty, spiritually bereft, and always craving a good pizza at crunch time.”

It was at this point that Takiguchi first encountered the love of his life, Martha Schlitt, herself a vibrant creative force who once built an igloo from an enormous cube of paprika. The couple ultimately resided in this aromatic hovel for many years. But once their home began crumbling, they threw a legendary party at Soldier Field, cooking enormous amounts of fried chicken and Hungarian Goulash for the masses. This represented an artistic peak for the young couple, who then decided to re-locate to San Francisco, California in the mid-1990s.

Since then, Takiguchi has worked primarily with oil and canvass, though he still returns periodically to his anarchistic roots. His neighbors still hold him responsible for painting all of the buildings on their block aquamarine, then “gift-wrapping” their doors with red bows and aluminum foil. Though some residents expressed outrage at the problems they had opening their front doors, many well-wishers testified at Takiguchi’s trial. One resident claimed she felt “liberated from the constraints of petit bourgeoisie living and rent control.” In recent years, this enigmatic artist has desisted from public demonstrations. But sources close to him whisper that Takiguchi remains poised, ready to make a new transformative statement. In the meantime, he takes out the garbage every Thursday and picks up his kids from school.

Mark and Martha’s two young sons, M and H, already give their own lectures and public demonstrations on a variety of topics, most notably on “Bloodletting and the Three Stooges” “FARTS: They Feel Good,” and “Strawberries: How Many Is Too Many. ” The family sometimes tours the country with their “Three Stooges” review, with Takiguchi often accompanying his two sons as either Shemp or Curly, though never Larry.